A few days ago I watched a video that Dove put out entitled Real Beauty Sketches. I don't even have to watch it again to get that lump in my throat and for tears to start flowing. Since watching that video I have been looking through old and current pictures of myself trying to come to grips with what my undiagnosed health issues have done to body, my mind and my spirit. I have been searching for a medical answer for over 4 years now and 20+ doctors later there are still no answers. Just more time and money spent with tests that come up with no concrete findings. Often I find myself wanting to just give up. But just when those feeling come ... things like my sweet husband assuring me of my beauty, the recent video from Dove or another beautiful and inspiring post from Mitchell's Journey facebook page pops up that stops me from going down the "I want to give up" path.
While I agree with the sentiment "love the body you're in," I really struggle with body image. I feel like in many ways my body has betrayed me over the past years, and I just haven't been able to locate the Love I should feel for it. I look at pictures of myself when I was feeling better and I get sad...wondering why I didn't like my body then. I was cute, petite. I didn't have much abdominal fat, no arm fat, no hyper-pigmentation on my face, no double chin; you could see my collarbone. Although I haven't gained the enormous amount of weight that some poor souls do, I carry around way too much for my frame which causes a variety of aliments along with muscle and bone weakness and fatigue which prevents me from really being able to work hard enough to lose the weight and rebuild, even on the days when I am not constantly being attacked by the electric zaps to the nerves behind my eyes and to my brain. I have to admit that I find myself resenting what my health issues have robbed me of!
I guess the purpose of this post is to say that I am truly trying not to give up ... to find hope where there seems, right now, not to be any; to find the beauty that I know I possess within myself. I have been posting pictures of myself that make me uncomfortable but I am really looking at them and still seeing me in there - maybe not in the body I have always dreamed of - but I'm still here. Little Mitchell Jones fought hard to stay here with his family to the very last day he had here on this earth. I need to be more like him; I need to have more faith and love for myself!! I am blessed to have a wonderful husband Dean Davidson and beautiful childrenDanielle Soelberg Martin, Nick Martin, Brandon Soelberg, Jaxson Davidson, Austin Davidson, parents Shirley Johnson Lloyd and siblings Suzanne Lloyd Sherman who stick by me through it all and I love them all with all of my heart. I also want to say what a blessing it has been to get to know Christopher M. Jones through his son's page and through his amazing posts about the journey they have been on with Mitchell. I have been humbled by his faith and testimony and have learned more in the last three months about struggle and love and sacrifice than I have my whole life! I love my Heavenly Father. I know that He lives and that He loves me and will, if I let him, get me through whatever trials lay ahead for me!
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