A better, funnier scale to rate your pain

Patients are typically asked to rate their pain, usually on a scale of 1 to 10. On the one hand, this is an essential pain research and clinical tool, with proven value. On the other hand, the pain scale is a source of perpetual confusion in health care offices throughout the land. It sounds so easy: just rate your dang pain!

But people are often stumped by the question, or they over think it.

Is #10 reserved for the worst pain we have ever experienced, or the worst pain we can imagine?“I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit.” Can we ever really know what someone else’s pain feels like? (No.) If pain fluctuates, do we take the average? For really horrible pain do we go off the scale? Or re-calibrate?

People like to go off the scale; drama is fun and exaggeration is always fun. I remember when I was having my first child who was 9 lbs. 9.3 oz ... after the epidural had worn off and I had to start pushing ... I think, when asked, I told the doctor my pain level was like 19 with spikes to 38.

Speaking of pain exaggeration, the old pain scale chart has been hilariously lampooned by Allie Brosh of the snarky blog Hyperbole and a Half, which is the point of this post. Everything I've said so far here is just an elaborate set up for a link to an article that I enjoyed immensely. And I think you will too!!

Ms. Brosh had previously noticed this visual aid in a doctor’s office:

"A typical chart as seen in most doctor's offices"

“You may also have noticed how inadequate it is it helping you,” Brosh says. Her interpretation of what number 8 seems to be thinking: “The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it. This is not what I expected and I am disappointed.” So Ms. Brosh did her own pain scale. Here’s her new, improved, face-I-make-when-I’m-at-8-on-the-pain-scale face:

“I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain.

 I might actually be dying. Please help.”

Now that’s more like it! No ambiguity there! Brosh’s pain scale is both useful and so funny that you will spray milk out your nose...assuming you drink some milk first. Brosh's made a new pain scale with all the numbers:

0: Hi. I am not experiencing any pain at all. I don't know why I'm even here.

1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.

2: I probably just need a Band Aid.

3: This is distressing. I don't want this to be happening to me at all.

4: My pain is not messing around.

5: Why is this happening to me??

6: Ow. Okay, my pain is for real now!

7: I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared.

8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help.

9: I am almost definitely dying.

10: I am actively being mauled by a bear.

11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.

Too Serious For Numbers: You probably have ebola. It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.

So the next time I go to the doctor I'm taking this new pain scale with me. It should be interesting...hopefully my doctors will see the humor but also be able to discern the incredible amount of pain I have been in for so many years now. It should be an interesting visit!